


Irgendwann hört man auf zu warten und fängt an zu vergessen

by FarAwayInWonderland



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bloodplay, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hate Sex, Hate to Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:05:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7787770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarAwayInWonderland/pseuds/FarAwayInWonderland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“I loved you, Harvey,” Mike said and hearing those words felt like he was stabbed a thousand times. Piece by piece Mike was destroying him. “I loved you so much it hurt. But one-sided love can only sustain one for so long and one day you stop waiting and start forgetting. I forgot; I forgot the rush I felt whenever we won a case, forgot the endorphins that would curse through my body whenever you smiled at me, forgot that you were once everything I dreamed of. I forgot and moved on.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Irgendwann hört man auf zu warten und fängt an zu vergessen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turnyourankle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turnyourankle/gifts).



> So, my friends on the marveynetwork chat wanted me to write this and so I gladly obliged.

If someone had told Mike that Harvey hiring him even though he never even went to law school would one day only be the second most unexpected event in his life, he would have laughed said person out of his office and would have even made a down payment for a psychiatric treatment.

Harvey hiring him on said day was the pivotal point of Mike´s whole life. Everything before that had lead up to that one moment and everything afterwards came as consequence of those ten minutes of weed-spilling suit cases and Sarbanes-Oxley. It made Mike the man he was today and destroyed the weed smoking, carpe diem guy who would have wasted his life as bike messenger.

Yet, right now Mike wondered if staying that unmotivated guy would have prevented him from experiencing the current onslaught of conflicting emotions. If staying one of the thousand faceless bike messengers would have spared him the pain of being cheated on by his girlfriend. Mike´s brain – helpful as it was – supplied him with the information that it was very improbable, taking in all the studies on cheating in relationships and that it would have been very likely for him to experience it anyway, no matter his profession, but when it came to matters of the heart his brain was unexpectedly powerless.

So Mike sat there, on the ground of his new apartment in which he had planned to move in with Rachel together as next milestone in their relationship, but instead of his girlfriend at his side there was only an empty pizza box and the beer he had been nursing. He tried to watch Gladiator, but he just couldn’t get into the plot.

How utterly pathetic and yet Mike didn’t care. Every time he just thought about Rachel and what she had done, a painful twinge shot through his heart and bile started to rise in his throat. He had always assumed – hoped – that even though Rachel was deeply uncomfortable with his secret, at the end she would stay by his side like she had promised to when he had taken Sidwell´s job offer. To have his illusions shattered like this hurt as hell and he honestly didn’t know if he could ever trust Rachel again. If he should – if he even wanted – to give their relationship a second chance like Rachel had begged him for when she had confessed what she had done.

One week away from Person Specter and already his life was falling apart. Mike had never really admitted it – not even to himself when he was alone in his old flat and there was nothing but him and the muted sounds of faraway Manhattan – but the firm had been his only social interaction. Donna, Rachel, Harvey and even Jessica and Louis had been, _well_ , the former friends and the latter acquaintances or enemies, but _they had been_ something. Now that he wasn’t working at PS anymore, he barely saw them anymore (much to Jessica´s delight) and the only real connection he had had with them had been Rachel and for the foreseeable future that link had been sundered as well.

Now there was only Sidwell, who wasn’t really that much of a people person and Amy, his new secretary, who scarily reminded him of a younger and less refined Donna. Until now Mike had never really appreciated how much saint-like patience Harvey must have possessed in dealing with the red-head. Because, as much as Mike appreciated people who thought for themselves, sometimes simply following orders was everything needed and if Amy continued to step out of line like Donna did with Harvey he would ask Sidwell for a replacement. He loved Donna, he truly did, but he could never be her boss.

But right now that wasn’t his problem, far from it to be exact. Mike took another sip from his bottle and just stared at the panda picture on the mantelpiece. That was what his evenings had turned into: moping and staring at walls. Maybe Mike would have done something against it if he wasn’t just so goddammn tired. If he had just someone to talk to. If he just had Grammy.

At the thought of his grandmother Mike pressed his eyes closed and tried to chase every thought of her away. Remembering still hurt too much, the pain still too raw, and if there was one thing he didn’t need then it was to amplify his pain by thinking about all the things he lost along the way.

Like Harvey. Mike knew that it was unfair towards Rachel, using her as placeholder for someone else, but he genuinely loved her. He just loved Harvey more. Mike had really thought that something more had developed between them during their fight against Woodall. ‘I´m not giving you up’ had been Mike´s way to confess his feelings to Harvey, the only way he had dared to and for a short moment it had seemed as if there was more than friendship on Harvey´s side as well, but when Mike had told Harvey that he had taken Sidwell on his job offer it had evaporated as fast as it had appeared, leaving Mike as lost as he had been before. He had waited and pined, sacrificed everything for Harvey just for little scraps of attention and the hope of something more in the future, but his hopes had turned to ashes as he had walked out of the bullpen for the very last time. And since then Mike hadn’t heard a single word from his former mentor and boss. Nothing.  

His own apartment, suits, watches, drivers and more income than he could spend and yet Mike felt poorer than he had been a few years back.

Before Mike had the chance to further pity the miserable state of his life, a knock echoed through the room, followed shortly afterwards by a second one. There were very few people that would visit Mike at this time and right now he certainly didn’t want to see anyone of them, not Donna, not even Harvey and certainly not Rachel. So he just leaned back against the couch, closed his eyes and hoped that whoever was at his door would get the hint and just disappear and leave him be.

Apparently, though Mike´s action didn’t convey his intention well enough for the insistent knocking just continued. Annoyed, Mike finally picked himself up from the ground and made his way towards the door. Opening it, his jaw dropped when no other but Logan Sanders stood on the other side of the threshold. Even though it was already late, the bastard still locked as immaculate as ever, with his glistening black hair, the piercing green eyes and the aristocratic facial structure that Mike tried desperately not to pay attention to. He wore a blue suit that was cut in a way that it only brought out the other man´s assets, mainly his broad shoulders and his slim waist. Of all the people Mike had expected at his door even Meryl Streep would have been higher up on the list than Logan _fucking_ Sanders.

“What do you want here?” Mike started, allowing his anger to seep into his voice. “Isn´t it enough that you made my girlfriend cheat on me, now you´re here to…what, gloat?”

“I´m not here to gloat,” Logan replied and damn, why did his voice have to sound so sexy? Not like Harvey, with his deep baritone that permeated Mike´s very bones, but rather like silk, caressing Mike´s mind with the unspoken promise of more. “I´m here to apologize.”

“Wait, what?!” Mike held up his hands and looked at the other in surprise.

“I didn’t know Rachel had a boyfriend when I…proposed her,” Logan admitted contritely. “I´m not so low as to take another man´s girl.”

“Well, you did,” Mike shot back and from the way Logan grinded his teeth he could very well imagine that the other man had expected a different reaction from Mike. Well, duh, he could go and fuck himself. “How did you even get this address?”

“Rachel gave it to me,” Logan admitted.

“Wait,” Mike interrupted. “You asked Rachel for my address?” He stared at Logan dumbfounded.

“Yeah, I did,” Logan replied. “You know, you could be at least a little bit thankful. I apologized after all.”

“Oh, you apologized,” Mike taunted. “Now, everything´s sunshine and rainbow again, because _you apologized_. I can go back to Rachel and we have our happily ever after, because you apologized. Oh, how fortunate I am.” While Mike ranted and ranted, he unconsciously had moved his body closer to Logan until their faces were only a few inches apart.

“You´re an unthankful piece of shit, aren’t you?” Logan hissed, but Mike could see that his breathing was shallow and his pupils blown wide.

“And you´re the asshole that kissed my girlfriend,” Mike shot back.

“Oh my god,” Logan groaned, “could you just shut up and take the apology?”

Until today Mike didn’t know why he had said what he said at that moment. He was neither stupid nor a cliché, so he couldn’t talk himself out of it with not knowing. He just knew that his girlfriend had cheated on him, that his erstwhile mentor and crush wanted nothing to do with him, that he had no one in this world and that he was desperately lonely. Mike just wanted to _feel_ something – anything – no matter with whom. He wanted confirmation that he was still alive and breathing, that the pain would fade away and that a new morning would come. So maybe that was why he leaned even more forward and said: “Make me.”

Before Mike could even realize what was happening, he was pressed against the wall of his apartment with Logan pressing his mouth on his. Mike knew he shouldn’t do this ( _probably_ ), this was after all the man with whom Rachel cheated on him, but the firm pressure of strong hands on his chest and that sinfully capable lips diffused his doubts very quickly. There was no mistaking this for any kind of romantic, there was just two men trying to dominate each other.

Logan tasted faintly of peppermint and cinnamon, a rather unusual combination but Mike wasn’t one to complain.

They exchanged heated kisses for a while, the friction between them making Mike´s cock aching hard, but sooner than later that wasn’t enough for Mike. He pushed Logan away, who looked so debauched, with his kiss-swollen lips, his dishevelled hair and his ruffled shirt. He looked at Mike with a primal hunger in his eyes and Mike was sure that he must look the same.

Carefully, Mike stalked towards Logan, who did nothing but watching him, until he stood right in front of the other man.

Before Logan could do anything Mike kneeled down and slowly zipped open Logan´s pants. He pulled down the man´s underwear and Logan´s cock sprung forth. It wasn´t the thickest Mike had ever seen, but it definitely was the longest. Slowly Mike leaned forward and showered Logan´s thighs with kisses, carefully avoiding the businessman´s dick. An annoyed moan was Mike´s reward and he smiled.

“Just blow me, Ross,” Logan commanded.

“Impatient,” Mike japed, but he was done teasing the other man so he began attending Logan´s cock. He licked over his balls, taking them in his mouth and playing with them with his tongue, thoroughly licking over every spot of Logan´s sack before he began moving upwards. He licked a wide stripe up until he reached the head of Logan´s cock. Mike engulfed it with his mouth and started to circle with his tongue over it, using all his experience to elicit the delicious moans from Logan´s mouth.

Mike bobbed his head back and forth, taking in more and more of Logan´s dick until the man began to thrust into Mike´s mouth as well.

“No, you won´t make me come, Ross,” Logan let out breathlessly. “I´m gonna fuck you first.”

With an audible plop Mike let go of Logan´s dick and stood up, much to the joy of his aching knees. Not a split second after his face was on the same height as Logan´s again, the other man´s mouth was already pressed on his. Logan could taste himself on Mike´s tongue and it was as if he couldn´t get enough of it, completely domineering and devouring Mike´s mouth.

Mike manoeuvred Logan towards the bedroom, which was quite a feat considering the sinful distraction Logan´s lips proofed to be and the fact that they were both getting rid of their clothes while walking. 

“Where´s your lube?” Logan asked breathlessly as they managed to detach their lips from each other.

“Drawer,” Mike panted, chasing Logan´s lips and letting out a disappointed whine when the other man turned away. He closed his eyes and heard the click of the tube being opened. Then suddenly Logan was back over him again, kissing him. Mike gasped when he felt a cold finger circling around his hole until Logan finally pushed it in.

“Fuck,” Mike moaned.

“That´s the plan,” Logan whispered in his ear as he added another finger and slowly started fucking Mike with them. For a few moments there was no noise but their loud breathing and moans and the sound of sweat soaked skin grinding against each other. Pleasure was pooling in Mike´s stomach as he grasped for breath every time Logan gave his lips free. Finally, Logan was fucking him with three fingers and Mike just couldn’t endure it anymore.

“If you not gonna fuck me right now,” he whispered hoarsely, “I´m gonna cum.”

After that Logan definitely didn’t need any further encouragement. He lined himself up in front of Mike and carefully pushed in. Mike could sense himself slowly being filled out and it felt like Logan´s dick just wouldn’t end, but then the other man´s balls were touching his ass, Logan having bottomed out completely.

For a short moment neither of them moved, just relishing this moment of connection, but then Logan started moving, shallow trust at first but then getting faster and faster until Mike feared that the clapping sound of skin on skin would wake the neighbours.

“You´re definitely a better fuck than Rachel ever was,” Logan jeered, punctuated by an extra hard thrust.

“Fuck you, asshole,” Mike shot back.

“Already fucking you,” Logan replied with that insufferable smirk of his. It was whipped off his face, though, when Mike used one of his hand to scratch down all the way from Logan´s chest down to his abs. He winced and the rhythm of his trusts stuttered for a short moment before he took up his pace again.

“So that´s what gets you going,” Mike wheezed and was rewarded with a guttural moan from Logan when he repeated his action. Logan bent forward, his whole body covering Mike who could feel the other man´s breath ghosting over his neck and shoulder.

“Make me bleed, Ross,” Logan whispered in his ear. “Make me bleed for taking your girl.” Against impossible odds Mike´s dick got even harder at Logan´s words. “Punish me.” Scratch. “How dare I?” Tear. “She was _yours!_ ” Thrust.

Mike could feel Logan´s skin tear under his nails, could feel the warmth of his blood pulsing underneath. Logan threw his head back, moaning in pleasure, continuing to pummel into Mike as his blood began pouring down his chest – dark red on skin so white and unblemished – gathering in the cracks of his abs. It glistened brightly under the light and with Logan constantly moving it looked like poisonous snakes wriggled on his skin.

“Yeah, just like that,” Logan egged him on. Mike didn’t know that it was possible to feel as intensely as this. His body felt like it was on fire, his very veins burning him from within. There where whole galaxies exploding behind his eyes, volcanoes erupting in his veins and if Logan wasn’t pinning him down he would have fallen from the bed already, he was shaking with so much pleasure.

Mike could feel Logan staring at him, his pupils blown wide, completely black with lust and Mike knew that he didn’t look any better. The other man´s hair was completely dishevelled, his breathing ragged and his skin smeared with blood that was still flowing from the scratched Mike had inflicted on him.

Overtaken by a sudden impulse Mike bent forward, which had the additional advantage of changing the angle from which Logan was pounding him, making even more pleasure curse through his body. His dick, completely neglected, was still hard as a rock and Mike just knew that one touch would be enough to send him straight over the edge.

He looked Logan straight in the eyes, stuck out his tongue and slowly licked over the other´s blood smeared skin. The taste exploded on his tongue; hot, like iron and something sweet; unlike anything Mike had ever tasted before. Mike continued to lick a clear path over Logan´s skin, creating abstracts pattern and catching each and every drop of blood until he reached Logan´s nipple. He circled it with his tongue, slowly drawing his circles smaller and smaller. Logan´s thrusts, meanwhile became more and more erratic, his orgasm impending. And then Mike bite down.

Logan threw his head back and let out a guttural moan as his whole body stilled and he came into Mike. The feeling of the other man´s dick pumping his seed into Mike finally managed to send him over the edge as well and the orgasm that washed over him was so powerful that for a few seconds Mike´s field of vision completely whitened out. Wave after wave of immense pleasure washed over him, leaving him bereft of any control over his body. He could feel Logan sacking down on him, their skins glued together by a mixture of Mike´s cum and Logan´s blood.

For a moment there was silence. Just them breathing, not moving and coming down from the high that their fuck had left them on. With a grunt Logan rolled over and just laid there beside Mike, both of them breathing heavily.

Now that the endorphins slowly receded and his rational mind began taking over again, Mike realized that he had just made a huge mistake. He had just fucked with the man that was the reason for his and Rachel´s separation! What had he been thinking? He knew, of course, he remembered it after all, but temporary loneliness and the prospect of social isolation was no reason to let his guard down like that. How could he have been so stupid!

Logan had obviously come to his senses as well, for he scrambled for his clothes that were scattered all over the floor.

“I should probably go,” he mumbled and right in this moment he didn’t look like the cocky and arrogant businessman Mike knew but like someone who had dived headfirst in a situation he now didn’t know how to deal with.

“Yeah, you should,” Mike replied, yet he couldn’t bring up the venom he had felt for Logan just a few hours ago. His trousers rumbled, his hair dishevelled and his shirt still only half buttoned up, Logan practically fled the apartment, leaving behind Mike in the same loneliness that he had tried to escape just a few moments ago.

* * *

The cool night air of New York was exactly what Logan needed to calm himself down. He could have taken a cab to his flat – it definitely would have been faster – but he felt like he needed the time a walk would provide him with to sort himself out.

Logan hadn’t planned to sleep with Mike Ross. He had just wanted to apologize for him kissing Rachel. When she had come to him, she had reminded him of all the glorious times they had had and he had just wanted that back – a faint echo of what had once been – and he hadn’t cared to make sure that she was even ‘free’. When she told him that she was seeing the very man he was fighting for control over Gillis Industries all blood had drained from his face. He may be an arrogant bastard most of the times – Logan could admit that much – but he would never sleep with another man´s woman.

So he went to Ross with the intention of apologizing, nothing more. But as the blonde stood there, tie loosened, shirt undone, pants dangerously low on his hips, so full of defiance and spite Logan couldn’t help but feel some deep primal urge to fuck – _to claim_ – rising within him and when Ross came at him with ‘Make me’ he was done with any illusion of civility.

Yet, Logan couldn’t bring himself to regret what he had done. Even if it didn’t look like it, his life was a lonely one. His friends – if he could even call them that – were all Harvard or Yale educated lawyers and bankers that would pounce at or leave him at the first sign of weakness. Social ladder climbers, club of the young and successful and if you weren’t anymore, you were out. The women in his life were either of the same sort – young, successful, ambitious – or dumb and only after the luxuries he could provide them with.

Logan envied Ross for the loyalty that Rachel and even his former mentor and now Logan´s lawyer Specter gave so willingly to him. He had no one like that. But envy wasn’t the only reason why he had enjoyed the fuck with the blonde. Not many people were willing to indulge Logan´s darker urges, but Ross had not only tolerated them but had taken to them like a fish to water. Logan had felt like he could let go of everything, let himself be free with the other man. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like that.

Maybe all this hadn’t been planned, but right now, Logan was more than happy that it had happened.

* * *

Over the next few days Mike tried to make himself forget that his little tryst with Logan had ever happened. He practically buried himself in his work so much that even Sidwell mentioned that he should take it slower, lest he suffered a burn-out (yet the results of this intense work he would gladly take). On the third day Mike finally clashed with Amy over her just changing his reservation for a certain restaurant he wanted to take a client to.

“You stepped way out of line,” Mike seethed.

“You´re way too emotional about this,” Amy responded, obviously not sensing his mood (which further showed that she definitely was no Donna). “I was just thinking…”

“And that´s the problem,” Mike shouted. “You thinking! I chose that restaurant in particular because Mrs Carrington got proposed to there. I researched her, I know what I´m doing!” Amy didn’t say anything, just staring at him with wide eyes.

“Just get out,” Mike spitted out.

“Am I fired?” Amy asked timidly.

“Another action like this and you are,” Mike replied and turned away from her. He heard the doors closing as she left his office and rubbed his temples to ward off the coming headache.

The next day he apologized to Amy with flowers and assured her that he wouldn’t fire her, no matter what and the small smile he received in return made him think that maybe a working relationship could evolve out of what they currently had.

Mike ignored Rachel´s calls. Partly due to his guilty conscience – he had slept with Logan after all – but also because he still needed time to think about he wanted to continue from there on and he had made that abundantly clear to her.

On the seventh day after the Event Mike entered his office and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Logan Sanders standing in front of the windows, staring down at the street and observing the people passing by.

“Nice office,” Logan commented. “And nice view.”

“What are you doing here?” Mike demanded to know. He could feel his heart beating fasten and his hands starting to get sweaty. “I won´t back away from Gillies and you know that.”

“I´m not here because of Gillies,” Logan replied.

“Then why are you here?” Mike asked exasperated. “What reason could you possibly have?”

“Look,” Logan began, “I know we didn’t start off on the right foot –“ Mike couldn’t supress the snort at that understatement  – with me kissing your girlfriend the first time and fucking you the second.”

“Well, you definitely don’t beat around the bush, do you?” Mike interrupted.

“Just take this as an apology.”

“Are those Broadway tickets?” Mike asked disbelieving. “For The Lion King? You´re trying to buy yourself my forgiveness with one Broadway ticket?”

“Actually, it´s two,” Logan announced. “I´ve got the second.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Mike stared at Logan disbelievingly. “You think that taking me to Lion King will make me forgive you?” He continued to stare.

“Well, it´s The Lion King,” Logan deadpanned. “And you´re interesting, so it´s not that great of a loss.” With that he put the ticked down on Mike´s desk and walked straight out of his office.

“I won´t come,” Mike shouted after him. The only response he got was Logan´s laughter that echoed through the hallway.

Mike turned back around and sat down at his desk, eyeing the ticket as if it was highly contagious.

“You´re definitely going,” Amy commented from the doorway.

“Why should I?” Mike – and he definitely did not pout – asked.

“It´s The Lion King,” Amy stated with a ‘duh’ expression that looked like she doubted Mike´s sanity. “Every kid dreams of going to that musical. I´d go with my own mother if I had to and if you knew my mother you´d know what great sacrifice that is. Besides,” she winked at Mike, “your escort looks way hotter than my mother.” She sighed. “So much hotter.” Mike blushed and wanted to protest, but then he had to admit that Amy was in the right. He really wanted to go to that musical and if it meant enduring Logan´s presence for four hours then this was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

“I guess,” Mike conceded, trying to sound nonchalant.

“See,” Amy smirked, “I knew reason would prevail.”

* * *

“You came.” Logan didn’t sound surprised in the least.

“I was told that you don’t just refuse The Lion King,” Mike replied and tried to muster Logan as inconspicuously as possible. The other man was wiring a grass-green Henley that certainly went well with his green eyes, over it a black leather jacket and black slacks and shoes. He certainly didn’t look bad, that Mike could admit, but only in the sanctuary of his own mind.

“Whoever told you that was definitely right,” Logan mused. “Shall we get in?” He looked at Mike expectantly and not knowing what else there was left to say (and because there was only fifteen minutes left until the start of the act) Mike just nodded and went along with him.

They came out of the performance glowing with rapture and enthusiastically discussing everything – the costumes, the acting, the songs – and it was so much fun that for a moment Mike forgot that he was actually talking to Logan, a man he had sworn – not to hate, that was to crass – but at least to dislike. But he just needed someone to talk to and if said person was Logan then so be it.

“See,” Logan remarked as if he was reading Mike´s thoughts. “It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“Only because you had to keep your mouth shut for most of the time,” Mike retorted but without any heat. Logan had been nice company the whole evening and constantly hating on the guy took an emotional toll on him that Mike was not willing to pay anymore.

“You had a nice evening, didn’t you?” Logan asked.

“Yeah,” Mike confirmed. “It wasn’t that bad.” And somehow, under the neon lights of Manhattan, for the first time since he had left Pearson Specter, Mike didn’t feel lonely.

* * *

It became a thing after that. Meeting up, going somewhere – art galleries, museums, bars – just talking with no suggestion of anything sexual at all. Mike hadn’t known how much he needed that until he finally had it. No longer these lonely evenings, just himself, some cheap take-out food and the memories of happier times, but actually making new happy memories for himself. And he believed Logan needed that, too. From what he had heard from the other about his life it was a lonely one as well. Not so much from the things Logan said, but rather from what he didn’t tell: no anecdotes about close friends, no tales of awkward family meetings, no renditions of former relationships (not that Mike was very forthcoming on that either). It was somehow easy to feel some kind of kinship with the other man.

“How did you end up with your firm anyway?” Mike asked while they were standing at the southernmost part of Manhattan where East River and Hudson converged, staring at the massive water masses flowing lazily before them.

“It´s my father´s legacy,” Logan answered and if Mike´s senses didn’t deceive him, then Logan sounded bitter about it. “My father´s business, my father´s investments, my father´s partners. I´m just a glorified executor.” He snorted. “Do you know that he wrote stipulation in his will concerning what I´m allowed to do with the firm? Even beyond the grave he´s controlling me.” Mike didn’t say anything; wasn’t sure if there was anything to say at all. “Even my marriage to Allison was by his design. To expand business ties.” Enraged, he hit against the curb with his feet. Mike was pretty sure that it must have hurt but Logan didn’t even wince.

“My dad and I hadn’t the best of relationships either,” Mike admitted quietly. “Don’t get me wrong, I know that he loved me, but he never got me, you know? He always wanted me to get into sports like he was, but I was never really interested in it. I think he was kinda disappointed that I´d chose books over the thing he loved. He wasn’t stupid, but he wasn’t an intellectual either – a hands-on guy I´d say and he just couldn’t connect with me. We were always in conflict, screaming and ranting at each other and it drove my mother nearly mad.”

“That sucks,” Logan replied and somehow these two simple words of empathy made Mike smile.

“What would you have liked to do with your life if it hadn’t been for your father?” Mike asked, genuinely interested in the answer. Logan looked at him surprised, as if he couldn’t believe that someone would truly ask that question; that someone would really care what he wanted and if that wasn’t the saddest thing Mike had ever witnessed then he didn’t know what. 

“I´ve always wanted to cook,” Logan confessed. “Even as a child I´ve always been fascinated by how you could just add all these raw ingredients together and got an end result that was so different from the stuff that went in. It was like magic.” He smiled wistfully. “But my father was of the opinion that cooking was a womanly affair, so he forbade me from doing it after my mother died.”

“To shitty fathers,” Mike mock toasted. “And those who don’t know how to deal with their kids.”

“Yeah, to those,” Logan agreed.

It became easier after that – talking that was. Like some sort of barrier had been torn down that up until now had prevented them from really talking to each other. Mike told Logan about his parents and Grammy and Logan opened up about his childhood, the mother he had adored and the overbearing father with the high expectations that had weighed on him since he could remember.

It was a nice feeling, Mike supposed, to have a friend again after all this time who he could trust. There had been Trevor, but after him none. Donna had never been really _his_ friend – she was first and foremost Harvey´s – and that was something that had always hovered above their interactions, this intimate knowledge that Donna would always chose Harvey over him. Mike had understood that, but it had made it difficult for him to completely trust the other woman.

And Harvey? Harvey had been even more unapproachable. Having made clear that he didn’t care for Mike´s personal business at all, he was enthroned in his office like a king ruling over his empire, unreachable and untouchable for the common folk. Having a private chitchat with Harvey was so outside of the realm of possibilities that it wasn’t even funny anymore. And then there was Mike´s unrequited crush on the other man, too, which ruled Harvey out for the role of best friend from the start.

Mike should have been able to tell Rachel everything. And he tried – he truly did, but one thing he had learned really fast was that Rachel was very judgmental and didn’t do well with secrets and confessions. The spectre of his secret had hung over her and weighed her down during their whole relationship and every morning when Mike would make himself ready for work he could feel her stare boring into his back, judging and accusing him.

He had had no real friend. Who else had there been? Katrina? Would have thrown him under the bus the moment the first opportunity at advancement presented himself. Louis? Who was he trying to kid? Jessica? Was more likely to murder him and make it look like an accident than lending him a friendly ear.

So, having someone who wasn’t involved in his work – who would just go with him to the MoMa and laugh with him at the modern art that looked like a toddler had thrown a hissy fit with his crayons, to the horror of the other visitors, until they were friendly asked to leave by some security detail was revitalizing.

They were just eating hotdogs when Logan told Mike that he wouldn’t go after Gillies Industries anymore.

“I was a dick,” he admitted. “I went only after him because I wanted to get at you for Rachel. I wasn’t thinking very clearly.”

“It´s appreciated,” Miked replied. Topic settled, they continued to eat their hotdogs in silence.

Of course their friendship wasn’t only happiness and sunshine. Logan was a Grade-A douchebag _(“But that´s why you love me,” he joked and there was this unidentifiable feeling fluttering in Mike´s stomach)_ and Mike wasn’t a saint either.  They would clash viciously sometimes, neither of them ever having learned when to back down and intelligent enough to instantly recognize the cracks in the other´s armour which they ruthlessly exploited.

It was after another of these fights (Mike didn’t know what exactly it had started, but he knew it had been stupid and insignificant) that he stood in front of Logan´s door. He knocked and as if he had waited on the other side, Logan instantly opened the door. He was wearing a white Henley and loose slacks that did nothing to hide his well-build physique.

“What do you want?” Logan asked and he sounded just tired.

“I bring offerings,” Mike proclaimed and held up a box of Chinese take-out, a six-pack of beer and the Gladiator DVD. Logan just looked at him with a stony expression.

“Look,” Mike sighed, “I´m sorry for what I said; I shouldn’t have. The argument itself was stupid and I shouldn’t have let myself become so passionate about it. We were both stupid and I apologize for my part of the stupidity.” He paused and swayed back and forth in anticipation. “What does thou say?”

Logan eyed him critically, but then a smile crept on his face.

“Is Rome worth the life of one good man?” he quoted and Mike new that they were good again.

“We believed it once. Make us believe again,” he finished. “He was a man of Rome. Honour him!”  

There was nothing greater than their shared love for that classic of a movie.

Their first _romantic_ kiss was on the deck of a New York Tour Bus.

“I don’t need a guided tour of New York!” Mike had protested. “I worked here as a bike messenger. I know all the places these tourists will never even gaze at.”

“Ah, come on,” Logan teased. “You haven’t really experienced New York if you haven’t made an overpriced bus tour!”

“Who said that? The tourist office?” Mike snorted.

“We can make fun of _ze Germanz_ and there probably also some Japanese that photograph everything with tablets,” Logan tried to bait him. “Selfie sticks!” That was how Mike found himself on the deck of a tour bus, behind him a group of Japanese tourists who did, indeed, used tablets and in front of them a German pair.

“That´s the most stupid thing I´ve ever done,” Mike complained and inwardly he included all the shit he had pulled off with Trevor in that list. “I can´t believe you managed to get me on that blasted thing.”

“Oh, come on,” Logan exclaimed, “It´s not that bad!”

“He called it _The Big Apple_ ,” Mike shouted aghast, which only made the German tourists in front of them turn around and eye them quizzically. “He claimed that we New Yorker _love_ to take the Underground. He´s conveying a completely distorted picture of how this city truly is.” In his agitation Mike hadn’t even noticed how close his and Logan´s face had become. Mike could see every gradient of green in the other man´s eyes, every hair of his stubble, every small crease on his face. He held his breath and he didn’t know why – it was just instinct, his logical mind on backburner – slowly inched closer. And then their lips met and they were kissing. It was tender this time, not the hot domineering fighting that had been their first time. Mike melted into Logan´s embrace as they continued their kisses.

When they finally let go of each other, Mike looked up and saw the Japanese tourist group eying them over the rim of their tablets and the German woman looked like she wanted to hug them. Mike blushed scarlet red and Logan, too, wasn’t as unaffected as he tried to play himself off, his pupils blown wide and his breathing haggard.

“Well,” Mike commented. “That was definitely unexpected.”

Logan just laughed.

Later that night as they laid beside each other Mike thought that now should be the time to come clean.

“I´ve never went to law school,” he whispered quietly into the darkness. He heard Logan shuffling beside him, then the small bedside lamp went on and illuminated them in feint yellow light.

“So you worked at Pearson Specter for years without ever having been to Harvard?” he asked, incredulity tinting his voice. Mike just nodded, fearing what Logan´s reaction was going to be.

“And now, what do you expect me to do?” Logan asked quietly. “To condemn you? To leave you?” Mike´s silence seemed to be answer enough.

“Goddamn Mike, that´s impressive!” Logan exclaimed and Mike´s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets in surprise at that reaction. “I mean, God –“ he laughed “– you managed to con yourself into the most prestigious law firm in Manhattan, worked there for over three years and did better work than all of the other Harvard educated associates. That´s incredible!”

“Others certainly didn’t think so,” Mike mumbled.

“Who?” Logan asked. “Rachel?” He snorted. “Don’t let others define you, Mike. If there´s one lesson that my father helped me realize, then it´s this one.”

Mike could have wept in relief. Knowing that his secret – even though it was now a part of his past, but still weighing down on his present – was out in the open but didn’t change anything was something Mike never had thought to be possible. It had always hung over him and Rachel, like a cloud darkening their whole relationship even when they had been happy.

“Stop thinking,” Logan mumbled in his pillow as he turned off the light.

Mike just smiled and went back to sleep as well.

* * *

Donna felt something that she hadn’t felt in a very long time. Hesitation. As she sat in her cubicle, idly clicking through some online shops, she turned her head to look into Harvey´s office every now and then. From an outsider perspective nothing had changed since Mike had left – Harvey was still the same arrogant, cocky bastard who won every case he took on – but Donna had been at Harvey´s side for years and so she recognized the signs of how down Harvey felt. The sudden bouts of silence whenever he was alone in his office, looking sullenly out of the windows, playing with his signed balls or browsing through his records. The periods of aggression where nothing was enough to satisfy the great Harvey Specter´s demands.

Jessica had noticed as well, but as long as Harvey´s work didn’t suffer she wouldn’t interfere.

And the thing that made Donna hesitate was definitely something that would make Harvey´s work suffer. She wondered if Rachel already knew, but from how the other woman behaved Donna was pretty sure that she didn’t.

_Donna was making her way towards the hotdog stand she knew Harvey always went to, even though there were literally hundreds of healthier alternatives around the offices. Maybe it reminded him of his origins? Or they just tasted that good? Donna didn’t care, but she knew that after the difficult settlement in the Mayor Case Harvey would appreciate it._

_She was about to cross the street, when something she saw on the other side made her stop dead in her tracks, much to the dismay of the pedestrians behind her who – in usual New Yorker manner – cursed her while continuing on their way. There, head thrown back in an animated laugh, looking much healthier than she had ever seen him in the last week of working at Pearson Specter, was Mike. But what had made her stop was not Mike, but rather the person that had his arm thrown around Harvey´s ex-associate and was laughing with him._

_Logan Sanders._

_And it certainly looked like it was more than friendship between them. Hotdogs completely out of her mind by now, Donn turned around and walked back to the office with an unpleasant feeling in her stomach._

Completely giving up any pretence of doing actual work, Donna turned her chair around and observed Harvey. He was going over some papers for the case he had settled just today and which needed the last finishing touches. Even though Mike´s absence was plaguing him, for just this short moment he looked like the man Donna used to know. And she hated that the task of destroying this illusion had fallen into her lap.

She knew that deep down Harvey still believed that Mike would come back to him and that everything would turn back to how it had been before. He had refused to even consider anything else, thinking of Mike´s decision as more of a flight of fancy than of a well though-through life decision. Harvey needed Mike at his side. Donna knew that there was more than friendship in their interactions, at least it had been so on Mike´s side. The blonde had practically worshipped the ground Harvey walked on and it had hurt Donna so much to see how Harvey had squandered it. Unable to process his own emotions Harvey had never recognized that, maybe, he needed Mike as more than just an associate and now that he was slowly coming to terms with his feelings Mike had moved on.

If it wasn’t the lives of two persons Donna considered friends, she would have laughed at the Shakespearean tragedy of it all. But so there was only this hollow feeling that washed over her whenever she thought about it. She regretted that she hadn’t done something – anything – before it was too late. Normally, she tried to keep herself out of other people´s life as much as possible, even if it sometimes didn’t look like it, but if she had known that it would end like that she would have done something.

Steeling herself, Donna stood up and carefully made her way towards Harvey´s office. She opened the door and made sure that it was properly closed before she turned around to face a Harvey who was looking inquisitively at her.

“Harvey,” Donna said and walked over to his desk.

“You look like you have bad news,” Harvey commented. Sometimes Donna really forgot that Harvey hadn’t come so far in life by not being able to read other people as well as books.

“It´s about Mike,” Donna started and immediately Harvey´s expression closed off.

“What about Mike?” he demanded to know.

“He´s seeing someone,” Donna said. Outwardly, nothing in Harvey´s expression changed, but Donna could see the storm starting to brew behind his hazel eyes.

“And why do you think that would be important enough to disturb me?” Harvey asked tensely.

“Oh, come on, Harvey,” Donna snorted. “For what do you take me? Do you think I´m blind? Do you really think I haven’t noticed you moping and angsting over the last few weeks?”

“That’s none of your business!” Harvey pressed out.

“It is!” Donna shot back. “It is when I see my best friend not fighting for another person that would have stayed in his life. You didn’t fight for Zoe or for Scottie and now for Mike. And it hurts – it hurts so fucking much – seeing you like this, knowing that you deserve better, that you could have better, if you just had _fought_ for it!” She took a deep breath. “Mike is out there with someone because he thinks that you don’t care. Because he has given up on you. Because when you push, Harvey, you push very hard.”

“What would you have me do, Donna,” Harvey spit out. “Life is no romcon.”

“Stand up _and fight_ , goddammnit, Harvey!” Donna exclaimed. “Go to Mike and maybe you can still salvage something from this mess. Just don’t sit there, pity yourself and expect Mike to just waltz through that door.” Having said her piece, Donna turned on her heels and walked back out of the office. She knew that Harvey had to puzzle over her words for a while before he came to a decision.

When she heard the office door open after ten minutes and Harvey rushed past her without even a word, Donna leaned back and allowed herself a small smile.

Maybe everything would still turn out allright.

* * *

Harvey stood in front of Mike´s apartment door and wondered if this had been the right idea.

Usually not one to hesitate, Harvey couldn’t just bring himself to just knock at the wooden door, too afraid what would happen once he had done it. As long as he stood here, he could still live with the illusion that Mike would come back one day, finally having recognized that taking Sidwell´s job offer had been a mistake and that the only person at which side he belonged was Harvey´s. But the moment that door opened Harvey could no longer delude himself into believing that.

Donna was right. He should have fought for Mike from the first moment on. Instead he had chosen to hide and look what it had brought him. It was just, that not paying attention to his emotions – just looking them away deep inside his mind and throwing the key away – was easier than is inability to actually deal with them like a normal human being.

And deep down Harvey was afraid. Afraid of rejection, of emotional dependence and trust, so easily broken as his mother had shown him so well all these years ago. Loneliness was so much easier to manage and until Mike had come barrelling in his life with a suitcase full of weed Harvey had been satisfied with his life. But Mike had shown him that there was more than wining cases, bedding beautiful women with whom he had no connection and the luxuries his salary could afford him. And like the coward he was, instead of embracing these changes Harvey had just tried to build his walls higher, not recognizing that the fundament was already crumbling.

Gathering his last bits of courage Harvey finally knocked on the door.

He heard steps shuffling behind and then the door was opened, but not by the person Harvey hoped to see.

“Specter,” Sanders greeted him with narrowed eyes.

“Sanders,” Harvey greeted back and if they weren’t standing in the hallway of Mike´s apartment building you could have mistaken it for a Western showdown.

“I know why you´re here,” Sanders commented idly. Harvey raised his eyebrow.

“You do?” he replied.

“Of course,” Sanders snorted. “You´re here because you finally managed to pull your head out of your ass and recognize that you want Mike…back.”

“So,” Harvey shot back, “what are you gonna do about it, huh?” Sanders’ grin took on a predatory glint as Harvey posed that question.

“Oh, I?” he practically purred. “I´ll do nothing. You had your chance with Mike and you blew it.”

“Who is it?” Harvey heard Mike calling from behind Sanders.

“It´s Specter! I´ll leave you alone,” Logan shouted back. He took his jacket from the wardrobe and squeezed himself past Harvey. “Good luck.” And then he was gone, leaving Harvey standing there.

“Are you gonna come in?” he heard Mike saying from the living room. Gulping down one last breath, Harvey stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind him. While he made his way through Mike´s flat he paid special attention to if there were any visible signs of Sanders around, but he recognized none. Maybe he still had a chance?

Mike was sitting in the living room. He wore a blue Henley and a washed-out jeans and Harvey could have devoured him right there and then. For a moment neither of them spoke, both aware of the invisible balance of the moment, of the fragility and preciousness of it. Harvey looked at Mike and saw the best time of his life looking back at him. He didn’t know what Mike saw when he looked at him, but he hoped it was the same.

“What are you doing here, Harvey?” Mike finally asked. “Why now, after all this time?”  

“You know why,” Harvey replied. Obviously it was the wrong thing to say for Mike´s expression closed off immediately.

“No, Harvey, I don’t,” he remarked. “I never knew, because you never opened up, because you always had these walls around you and I got so sick and tired of trying to tear them down.”

“I´m here to get you back,” Harvey corrected himself.

“Back to what?” Mike continued to ask. “Back to Pearson Specter? Back to being an associate? Back to being _your_ associate?” If it wasn’t so painful, Harvey would have been proud of Mike. Press until it hurts.

“Back to me!” Harvey finally exploded. “I want you – I _need_ you to come back to me. I need you.” There, now it was out in the open.

“Harvey,” Mike said tenderly.

“Please, Mike,” Harvey all but begged. “Come back.” Harvey looked at Mike – saw the sorrow, the pain but also the acceptance behind those cerulean orbs – and knew that he lost. He had come too late. If Harvey was prone to using metaphors he would have said something along the lines of having his heart torn out or his dreams shattered in thousand pieces, but he wasn’t and so there was just this ache – this hollow pain in his chest – that made him unable to speak.

“Harvey,” Mike repeated and Harvey would have given everything if time just stopped and he could have kept his name on Mike´s lips for all eternity. His soul for having his name on Mike´s lips like this, so full of tenderness and melancholy.  “Once I´d have given everything to hear that from you.” He smiled ruefully. “You would have been my knight in shining armour.”

“But not now,” Harvey whispered. “Not with me.” Mike shook his head.

“I loved you, Harvey,” Mike said and hearing those words, but also knowing that they would lead to nothing felt like he was stabbed a thousand times. Piece by piece Mike was destroying him. “I loved you so much it hurt. But one-sided love can only sustain one for so long and one day you stop waiting and start forgetting. I forgot; I forgot the rush I felt whenever we won a case, forgot the endorphins that would curse through my body whenever you smiled at me, forgot that you were once everything I dreamed of. I forgot and moved on.” Mike stood up and walked towards Harvey, taking on of his hand in his own.

“Harvey,” he said, and Mike´s face was so close that Harvey could have touched it if he wanted to. Just one last chance, on last time letting his finger roam over this skin, just to know how it would feel, a memory to cherish for the cold nights that surely were to come. But he held himself back, knowing that his chance had passed. “Our time together has been one of the best – no, _the best_ – of my life and I´ll be thankful to you for the rest of my life. Everything I have; _everything I am_ is because of you and that is a debt I´ll owe you for the rest of my life. But our time together has come to an end, as sad as this is. I´m happy and one day you´ll be happy, too. And maybe then we can meet again and look back at this time of our lives with fondness.”

Harvey wanted to scream at this unfairness – _rage, destroy, annihilate_ – but instead he just pressed his teeth together and nodded, not daring to open his mouth because he feared he would lose the last shreds of self-control he still had.

“Are you…are you happy at least?” he asked after a while.

“Am I happy?” Mike smiled. “I´d like to think I am now.”

* * *

Later that night Mike laid in his bed, Logan snoring away beside him, and thought about what Harvey had said. Just a mere few weeks ago and hearing these words would have fulfilled each of his dreams and he would have gladly fallen into Harvey´s arms, but now…now things had changed. He had waited so long, had sacrificed so much for the other man and it had never been acknowledged. Only when Mike had already been gone Harvey had bothered to do something, but by then Mike had long since stopped waiting and started to forget. It had taken a while for him, but Mike had realized that he owed it to no one – not even Harvey – to put his life on hold for them. He had the right to be happy in the present and not in some hopeful illusion of the future that may never come to pass at all.

At first this realization had hurt, because it meant Mike had to admit to himself that all the years of pining for Harvey had been for naught; to admit that a crucial part of himself had been wasted on something that turned out to be nothing but a pipe dream, but as the pain passed Mike was able to recognize that he could finally move on now. A veil that he hadn’t even noticed hanging over his life until now had been lifted and the last anchor that tethered him to the past had been hoisted.

Harvey had been a nice dream, but you had to wake up from every dream someday.

And Mike quite liked to what he had awoken.

* * *

“Thank you for coming.” Mike smiled at Rachel which she returned. He indicated to her to sit down on the bench and sat down as well. For a moment neither of them said something, instead choosing to observe the myriads of different people that made their way through Central Park. The Joggers, the families with children that fed the ducks, the Pilates groups on the hill a few meters over and the stressed locking business man that hastened along the paths.

It was Rachel who broke the silence first.

“We won´t be getting back together, will we?” she said and while Mike could see some sadness mirrored in the brown eyes of hers, it wasn’t as overwhelming as he feared it would be. He just nodded in confirmation.

“I guessed so,” Rachel continued. “I came to terms with it over the last few weeks. I´m still sad about it, but in the end I realized that continuing where we left off would have never worked.”

“Someday you will make someone very happy, Rachel Zane,” Mike replied. “it just won´t be me. Maybe in different circumstances we would have worked, but…”

“…but not now,” Rachel finished for him. “I understand, Mike.” She put her hand on his and squeezed reassuringly. “To be honest, I´m already seeing someone new.”

“Who?” Mike asked with raised eyebrow.

“Harold Gunderson,” Rachel replied, blushing heavily.

“Harold Gunderson?!” Mike exclaimed surprised. “How did that happen?”

“Well,” Rachel began, “I met him two weeks ago in my break and he asked me out. He was so shy, but once you get to know him he´s really sweet. It probably also helps that Louis is nowhere near him during our dates.” She laughed.

“I´m happy for you,” Mike said. “Really, I truly am.” He gathered his breath. “I´m also seeing someone.”

“Oh my god,” Rachel exclaimed. “Who is it?” She looked like she was about to explode and Mike contemplated just dangling that bit of information a little bit longer over her head, but he wasn’t that cruel.

“It´s Logan,” he confessed. Rachel´s mouth fell open and for a few moments she just sat there, staring at him incredulously, her mouth closing and opening without a sound coming out of it before she finally regained her bearing.

“Oh my fucking God,” she gushed and some nearby women shook her head disapprovingly at her. “How the fucking hell did that happen?” Mike wanted to answer, but Rachel just held up one hand.

“Wait, I still have to process that information,” she said. Mike just stared at her hand amused and waited for her permission.

“Now,” Rachel finally said.

“Well,” Mike started, “he came to me one day to apologize and I wasn’t very obliging and one thing led to another…” Rachel stared at him like he had grown a second head.

“You had hate sex!” she burst out. “You, Mike Ross, had hate sex.” She said it like it was some kind of world-changing revelation, like the Earth´s axis had been tilted and the alignment of stars changed forever.

“Please, I think the people on the other end of the park haven’t heard yet,” he drawled.

“It´s just…” Rachel tried to explain, obviously lacking the words. “Of all the people in this world, I´d have never thought you´d be one to do something like that.”

“Hey!” Mike protested, but he knew she had a point.

“I have to admit that a few weeks ago knowing that would have made me furious,” Rachel confessed. “But now I´m just glad that we got out of this whole mess stronger and happier than before.” Mike just nodded in agreement.

“Me, too.”

* * *

Strong arms engulfed Mike when he came back to the apartment later that day.

“How went your talk with Rachel?” Logan asked while he nuzzled Mike´s neck.

“It went great,” Mike replied, completely enjoying his boyfriend´s administrations. “No hard feelings whatsoever.”

“I´m glad,” Logan said. Mike turned around, saw the light reflecting in Logan´s grass green eyes, a soft breeze from the window wafting through his hair and the content expression on his face. He bent forward and caught the other man´s lips in a kiss.

 _Me, too_ , Mike thought inwardly. _Me, too._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Bet you didn´t see that coming, did you? Hoped you liked it, nevertheless ;)


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